Mask of Identity
Anzai ran his fingers across the dark wood of Hana’s bedroom door, feeling the cool grain. He had invited Hana to stay for awhile until little Yukio got over a bout of nightmares he’d been having recently. Anzai thought that having his mother in the next room might help him to feel more secure. After all, it had only been a few months since Hana had moved back to her place.
Curling his fingers into a fist, he tapped on the door and waited.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me,” he replied. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Sure, come on in.”
Anzai turned the doorknob and entered the room slowly, peeking his head through the doorway and giving her a smile.
Hana sat on her bed, combing her brunette locks with a blue comb. Wrapped around her was the fluffy robe he’d seen her wearing many times in the past few years. “Come in!” she encouraged.
Anzai sat down near the end of her bed and folded his hands on his lap so he could stare at them. “Hana, I’m glad you came. Yukio’s been up for four nights straight… crying and… well, you know how he gets.”
“Are you kidding me, Anzai? Why wouldn’t I have come? You know I love him more than anything.” Hana crawled over the mass of blankets so she could sit next to him at the edge of the bed. “Besides, I understand that he can be… well, a little more than a handful when he’s upset.”
Anzai quickly turned his head to glance at her, and then looked back down at his hands. “Well, he’s been sleeping in my bed for all four nights. To tell you the truth…” he rubbed his right temple. “I haven’t gotten much sleep. The boy kicks hard!”
Hana giggled. “You must be really tired… so now I’m a babysitter?”
Anzai shrugged. “Well…”
“I should have known!” Hana grinned, punching him lightly in the arm.
Anzai laughed with her for a moment, but then sobered quickly. He blinked at the wall, choosing his words carefully. “Hana… It’s been almost two years since Koto died.”
Hana fell silent immediately.
“I really miss him,” Anzai went on. “And sometimes… well, it bothers me that Yukio doesn’t remember anything. I know he can’t help it, but when I tell him about Koto, it’s like… it’s like Koto is something he’s just heard about. He’s not real to Yukio. And that makes me feel like it all never really happened. Yukio is so real… standing in front of me, laughing, playing, learning…but Koto, he’s a world away.”
“What are you trying to say?” Hana prompted.
“I feel like I’m losing his memory sometimes,” Anzai finished. “But—” he stopped.
Hana put her arm around his back and squeezed his close. “Anzai, you’ve always been so closed up. I want you to be able to talk to me. Don’t stop now.”
He turned his head slightly toward her and caught a glimpse into her chocolate brown eyes. “But… when I’m with you, it’s like… I’m still seventeen... and the three of us are running around and causing trouble. As much as I love Yukio, I miss Koto, Hana.”
“Anzai,” she said into his ear. “My son is not a replacement for you best friend.”
“You don’t think I realize that? Of course I know that a five year old can’t be my best friend. But it’s because of Koto’s death that Yukio is here with me. If Koto were still alive, Yukio and I would just be getting used to being master and student. He’s so confused, Hana… one time he asked me if I was his daddy. I almost lost it.”
Anzai felt Hana’s soft fingers on his face, and he flinched.
“He loves you,” she said. “Yukio loves you so much. I can see it in his big eyes every time he looks at you, Anzai.”
Anzai sighed. He wasn’t sure what it was he wanted from Hana, his best friend’s widow, but it had been a really long time since he’d held anyone besides Yukio, and Hana’s arm around his shoulder felt good. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in a little closer. “I’m really sorry,” he muttered against her hair.
“Why are you apologizing to me?”
“For being so depressing. For taking Koto for granted when he was still here. For holding you in my arms right now.”
“Anzai…”
It wasn’t a secret. Anzai knew that she had to know how he had felt all of those years. Loving Hana had almost destroyed him from the inside out. He had fallen in love with her right alongside Koto, but of course, the charming Koto had won her heart. Anzai had never even told his best friend about his feelings… and now, he couldn’t. But Hana had to know. She hadn’t been as blind as Koto had been. She just had to know.
But he didn’t have another moment to think about it before Hana had pressed her lips against his. He blinked at her when she pulled away.
“I can see your pain,” she whispered as a single tear slipped down her rosy cheek. “It’s the same as mine.”
He had plenty of tears ready to match hers, but he held them in, opting to kiss her back instead. He’d held his feelings inside for so long, that when he felt his lips against hers, her hands in his hair and their tears blending into one stream, he felt as though everything had exploded.
When Koto had been alive, it wasn’t so difficult. Anzai was truly happy for his friends. And when Koto was happy, it was much easier to hide his feelings. But then, he was suddenly alone. After Koto’s death, Hana had been so distant. Even when Anzai had brought her and Yukio to live with him in his master’s house, she spent many hours alone in her room, and during the night, when she wasn’t watching over Yukio, Anzai could hear her soft sobs through the walls. He had been too afraid to comfort her; afraid that her pain would awaken his.
But now he wasn’t afraid anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against her lips. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“Don’t say that,” she whispered back.
But he didn’t know if he was talking to Hana or Koto.
“Anzai… don’t talk,” she said between a trail of kisses along his jaw line as she spread her fingers across his chest and pushed his robe from his shoulders. “Just hold me.”
He wanted to tell her that he loved her. He wanted it to whisper it in her ear as he held her in his arms.
But he didn’t. Long after she had fallen asleep, he still couldn’t say it. His fear had taken over. He had made love to his best friend’s wife. It didn’t even matter that Koto had been dead for almost two years. He still felt as though he had betrayed his best friend.
“Master!” a little voice called in the hallway. “Master!” Yukio cried, his voice racked with sobs.
“Shit,” Anzai muttered, carefully untangling himself from Hana’s limbs and reaching for his robes from the floor. Quickly, he slipped them back on and rushed out into the hall.
”Yukio,” Anzai said in a hushed voice when he saw the little boy standing at the doorway of his bedroom. “Yukio, I’m right here.”
Yukio burst into more tears as he ran to Anzai, who crouched down to catch him. “I thought you left!” Yukio sobbed, clinging to Anzai’s robes and burying his face into Anzai’s chest. “I had a bad dream… and you were gone!”
Anzai lifted the boy up into his arms and rubbed his back. “It’s okay, Yukio,” he whispered. “I didn’t leave. I’d never leave. I was just down the hall.”
Slowly, Yukio’s sobs quieted, and soon, he had fallen fast asleep. Just as Anzai was about to bring Yukio back to his room, and put him into his bed, Hana’s door opened. Anzai stopped dead in his tracks as their eyes met.
“Is everything okay?” she wondered.
Anzai nodded. “Another bad dream,” he whispered. “He’s sleeping now. I’m gonna put him to bed.”
She reached up and brushed Yukio’s dark blue hair away from his sweet face, planting a kiss on the center of his forehead. “Are you coming back?” she whispered to Anzai.
Anzai hesitated as he hoisted Yukio further up into his arms. “Maybe it would be better if I didn’t,” he admitted, unable to look her in the eyes. “I don’t want to confuse Yukio if he has another nightmare.”
“You’re right,” she sighed, pulling her fingers away from Yukio’s face. “But I want to talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” he agreed. “Please come find me in the morning.” Anzai took a step toward Yukio’s room. “Good night, Hana.”
“Good night, Anzai,” he heard her soft voice say as he moved further down the hall.
He held the sleeping Yukio close and kissed the boy’s shoulder. “It’s you and me, Yukio” he said under his breath. “It’s always you and me.”